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Why is everything so complicated? I’ve asked myself that quite a few times this week. In December, I decided Patience was going to be my word for 2022… Thus far, life has generously tested mine.

The desire to work an online store, but have the inventory ship from it’s original location, sounds like a great job…. I thought it was an opportunity to learn a few new skills, but obtainable within a few weeks. That’s not my case… At all.

I’ve spent so much time reading descriptions, trying various host sites, changing themes, personalizing options, spending what I felt was direct investment into my work, watching tutorials and such.

I’m feeling greatly defeated tonight. The mistake I made this week was huge. It was embarrassing. The individual to whom I confided in, naturally reminded me of the mental mess he always puts me in; and, I’m still without an official store.

In addition to the hurdles with my work, the weather here in Ohio has been so ugly. Last week, most days were frigid cold, wind chills below 0. The daytime temperatures were below 20. That’s hard on someone trying to stay positive and remain motivated to tackle more mubble jumble about drop shipping.

I’m not giving up. I know something brand new will be filled with many attempt.. and the answers will come. It’ll all fall together as does everything in life.

Right now, I’m just depressed! This glorious idea is so difficult, when, it doesn’t need to be. Without trusted advisors, or those whom can guide you, the road to victory is a rugged and uncharted path. It’s lonely but, more so, scary.

My transparency is what I owe you readers 🕯️

Stay Safe and Warm 🕯️

Unfortunately, our states are being covered by dangerous amounts of water. It’s that time of year, when the waters remind us of their power.

Right now, I feel these monstrous and threatening waves are flooding souls, too. I feel this shift in the universal connection, a “San Andreas Fault”, if you will. The effects are shaking foundations. The roads are bowing .. and fear is suffocating all faith and hope from people.

People are sliding backwards, screaming to be rescued… from Covid.. from the Delta Variant.. the government, vaccine, masks, and mandatory regulations. It’s scary, my heart is aching… The disparity right now is the pre-condition of the Winter Blues.

Even here, times are changing. It’s more prevalent right now.. and it doesn’t feel like it’s towards anything good.

I know in my own life, there’s secrets that I’ve not told anyone. My own voice is not happy.. content.. and I hate it.

I have a flood of crazy crap jumbled in my head. I have things I was to blog about for here. I have a million thoughts about my kids, both going to school this year. I have thoughts about EVERYTHING!

That said, I may not be on much for a while. I have both my kids starting school and so much else to consider. I hope you’ll read what I’ve posted this far. I hope it’s or it’ll be a space of safety and security for you. I hope you all stay well and do what’s mentally best for you!

Until Next Time,

Nova Namastè

Hello Followers, it’s been several months since I’ve written about my own personal MH journey. Like the each one of you, life is happening for me.

Mostly, I’m that strong woman… The one all the songs inspire others to become. I do what and in ways that I can. I try my best to be an active listener and supportive friend. I “sleep it off”, ” let it go”, and “leave it in yesterday.” I’m not bragging on myself; but, I am. It’s taken me 31 years of the most intense and confusing points in my life to get here. I have to acknowledge the victory.

It wasn’t easy!! I said years ago, ” If I can survive my childhood, I can handle anything.”

So, God forged forward… His plan for my life was packed with hills and valleys, storms and the most beautiful rainbows.

I remember being my daughter’s age and “knowing”, my siblings and I will drastically leave our childhood home in great distress. I was right. I remember being younger than 8, maybe 6-7, and my sister would talk with me. We’d be in such frustration because nothing made sense. These people who just adopted us were now having babies. Our lives of consistent inconsistency became answering every beacon call of a woman who treated us differently than “her own” kids…day in and day out!

Sure, we had what we needed in life: safety, clothes, food, baths, ex. It was the bare minimum… that’s what we 4 oldest learned to accept and expect. As we grew older, we made some real stupid choices. Did we know better? Did we do it anyway? I’d say all the above… because again, we’re kids with little to NO consistent guidance. Nothing of this world made sense. I know teens don’t really understand the world as we adults do; but, they should understand an age appropriate measure.

On a few occasions, my siblings and I would talk about our biological parents… with our adoptive mom. It felt as if someone took their favorite book… cut out two or three sentences of every couple chapters, and stuck them together on some dull coffee stained paper.

When we were old enough to comprehend it, we grieved the loss of our biological mother. How did it happen? When did it happen? Did she not want us? How did she just leave us at a neighbors? The questions were endless… for years… decades… And no matter how many times we revisited the subject, the details never make sense (go figure, right?). The storyline was choppy, and didn’t seem to fall in chronological order. None of it felt like MY story.. where I came from..

Until two nights ago….

And here we’ve arrived at Brandy’s most current mental stated… deeper in the difficult cycle of grief.. AGAIN!!!

Is this due to the pandemic? Nope! With absolute certainty and strong conviction, I can say that. Is this due to financial difficulties, nope. Not having those either (Praise Jesus🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼). Health problems going on? Nada, well, not really.

No, my worst than sucky attitude is the result of a change in “my reality”… learning one single detail within a time period that’s already so difficult. One that really has fucked up my mental health and overall wellness.

My mother chose to give up her parental rights, for a man who had no intention on staying. When he left, she hurt so much. She missed us kids so badly…

She couldn’t take it anymore…

She didn’t know how to stop the pain.

…………………………

She intentionally stepped in front of the bus.

………………………….

Maybe this isn’t my story… it’s hers… ;but, you’ll never understand how much I see the similarities among all our lives and moms.

The struggle with depression has been too real for me.. and for my brothers.

It’s a generation curse, an inheritance that hasn’t made us so lucky.

I’m grieving again. I’m angry again. I question so much again! My ache for my mom.. is stronger than ever. There’s not much I can do about it.

What makes this pill particularly hard to swallow, is my daughter’s dad committed suicide around 07-22- 2015. Another person, who held a huge role in our lives, is gone because they wanted the pain to stop…

Years ago, I was that blond hair little doll, in a simple sundress. I don’t remember her. I don’t remember any of it. I know I want to remember. I know I would soak up every last detail about who I am and that about my roots.

So, right now, I’m working through the stages of grief. I’m in one hella sucky mood; and, I don’t really miss my mom any less.

It’s where I am right now.

Sincerely:

Brandy

Hello beautiful people 😀 This afternoon, I’ll be introducing to you some Ted Talks that you could listen to while driving, bike riding, walking, cooking, or cleaning. These talks are aimed at a specifically angle of Mental Health: grief.

Here are some additional videos that I found insightful & informative about mental health.