My “Starlight Magnolia Stories” safe space is now live.
In a matter of a few days, 10 followers left.
That’s disheartening; but, I had to make some changes.
This safe space is dedicated to me, and all of you, who may need that place to just sit, breathe, and count.
There will be many room: music, mantras, prayers, exc., to my blog. I’m working hard to create this warm, sweet, peaceful aura. It’s how I need to be greeted most days. I find it safe to say, most of us feel the same.
So thank you for sticking with me, through this transition. I appreciate you so much.
I may change my mental health category to password protected. If you’d be interested in reading, email me: nova35@gmx.com
Being triggered is ok. It’s not anything of which you should be ashamed. What happened was a result of quick judgement and poor communication on both their parts.
Her gaslighting, you “need more attention than Caitlin and I can give you.” stems from issues within herself.
Early on, you noticed she ran the show. She was in constant control of any and all conversation. There was no swaying off course…zero redirecting OF ANY KIND… BY ANYONE. It wasn’t going to happen. You noticed the constant chaos and consistent focus on that chaos. It was mentally draining!
In the madness, you believe in finding the silver-lining. You always have! You find the good. You always have. Regardless of what mental health issues you have, you’ve always had the strength to hold on to Faith! That’s the energy of your aura. That’s the type of energy that serves you and your greater good. That was not what you were experiencing in that group… talking to them.
I’m proud of you for stepping up for yourself on her live. Passive aggression is unnecessary when two grown adults can simply talk stuff out. Regardless of you take everything personally, you’re capable of understanding alternative perspectives, acknowledging thoughts/feelings, and communicating to a solution.
I’m so sorry you were triggered. I know you panicked, immediately transforming into flight mode… looking for safe shelter. It’s your coping mechanism you’ve practiced since you were eight.
Sweet precious younger Brandy, your home and entire apartment IS your safe space. There’s influences at every angle; but, you’re stronger than your fear. Just yesterday, rather than sitting in a mind-swirl baked in anger, you grabbed ahold of something absolute… SHE WAS GASLIGHTING YOU.
There will always be broken people. There will be moments when you freak out and flee.. Your emotions are SOOOO big. They’re valid and your’s to feel. No one can tell you differently. No one can tell you anything about them, and it be factual. They are yours. They are yours to do with as you wish.
If someone gets upset with you, it’s a high possibility they are misunderstanding and don’t care to believe differently. You’re not too much. You don’t require huge amount of time. You don’t get “butt-hurt”… but, you also don’t feel a group is a leader and all her minions, even in that case, mingling should happen. Conversation about something besides people’s trauma should be had in a group.. especially if it’s not like work or professional therapy.
Take care of your heart ♥️ It’s big and beautiful! Your sensitivity doesn’t make you “too much”. You’re perfectly crafted the way God made you.
I had to take a minute and capture this “W”! It’s a big one; and, each is worthy of celebration.
These past few days have been mentally depleting. You’ve struggled with vehicle repairs since last October.
When you woke up this morning, I KNOW how badly you wanted to quit. Quit pushing forward. Quit making calls. Quit talking to people. Quit trying to find answers and gain some ground. I felt every bit of your anxiety and exhaustion… I know you just wanted today to be self care for your mental health.
You didn’t, though. You made one more plan. You answered one more message. You made one more trip. You rescheduled your therapy session. You kept going because you’re stronger than your anxiety.
I’m so proud of you, baby girl!! You did amazing today. Not just with the car situation, but with other things as well. Today was productive. Today you won.
I must practice quieting my voice so I can hear others. More than likely, a person is saying so much more, …without saying a word. Be mindful of the noise and distractions.
*No one should EVER go through such trauma that he/she/they end(s) up in therapy, because a person/people wouldn’t go him/her/themselves!
* The way in which people in my life interpret what I say, especially regarding sensitive matters, is their choice. I don’t deliberately set out to inflict pain.
Worthy of Love and Light,
Me
Music Therapy:
A.R. –
I always felt recovery was a good thing. I feel every addict is lucky to have the chance to utilize the resource. Apart of this process, you had to go through the 12 Steps program.
At the time you and I spoke, personally, you weren’t in any mental health to cut me out of your life. I had my own thoughts about the program; but, never did I wish you to remain addicted.
I was cut out with no regard to any second of our friendship. I valued and loved you. I supported you. I’m not saying I did no wrong and feel entitled to your life. I just can’t understand what was it that resulted in how quickly you forgot me..
J.S.
You’re a trigger. You’ve been a trigger for a long time. It’s me and my life messed up because you wouldn’t just deal with your crap.. and go to therapy.
I’m astonished by your nonchalant attitude about what you did. I’m angry I let it happen twice.
You are not my friend. I don’t want you in my safe space.
Ewwww what a day. I’m not feeling well; partially because of my cycle. The other part is due to stress from multiple factors. The sun is out. I don’t want to feel this way.
Let’s try to work through this:
Calandra had fun, despite me not going.
Jeff was able to lend the money; and, you didn’t even end up needing it.
There’s so many food pantries available, how necessary is it to stress? Right now?? Jeff even knows the situation. Sure it’s not as quick.. but, it’s so able of necessary.
Chad, I wish you’d leave me alone. You made your choices before you left. Why won’t you leave me alone? I don’t want constant reminders of you. It’s not fair. If you’re going to be harassing anyone, tell your boy to leave this alone. Our agreement wasn’t even set in stone.
I need peace. I need to feel ok. The thing is; I am able to semi-feel like it if I stop spending on iPad games. The total I’ve wasted is irresponsible to say the least. Brandy, when you go to purchase… remember this distress. Remember you gain nothing from expediting stone hatches or restoring energy. You gain nothing of value to your life, that is.
I’ve been in this involuntary tranz ( I understand this is not the proper spelling for this word; however, I think it looks cool. I’m going to use it. May we continue?) lately.
Two weeks ago, I restarted professional therapy. Whew!! One 45 minute session accomplished so much. The con to attending therapy, is the drawn out session in my head, once I’ve left that professional setting. Questions, scenarios, playbacks, quotes verbatim murmured in my mind.
Some of them felt wonderful. I knew this self evaluation was going to be a huge part in my healing. I knew this therapist made a spot specifically for me, in her schedule. Our conversation flowed with a nice easy respect between therapist and client. She actually was familiar with the concept of Highly Sensitive. It was great.
When I left, that’s when the real stuff started. All the history that I told her in our brief time together, was there fresh in my face. As an HSP and INFJ, there’s no way to explain our pain other than literally reliving it, when we remember. It’s a first encounter.. again and again.
Having no desire to change course from revisiting the situations, refilling myself with the emotions, and evaluating what was actually true, I have had little time to blog. My stats as of the last couple days have been straight zeros. No visitors, views, nothing…
What have I been doing, then? Well… I was busy walking, and sorting through my previous relationships. I have been journaling about my own spouts of depression and body image issues. I’ve been working so hard at continuing being a great mom to my girls… while I cried at night.. because begging me is HARD.
……..
We’re just coming out of Winter. The growing of buds align streets. Excessive chirping serenades early risers. Flowers are reaching for the sun, in all their amazing glory.
Like many, I am working through the end of seasonal depression. It’s not a powerfully controlling; but, it’s still here.
The thing is, my depression has been with me since 2002. In all these years, there’s been one factor contributing to my highest anxiety and lowest depression points: disrespect.
I’ve allowed passes for people who don’t deserve it. I’ve accepted it from parents; because, I was the introvert child. I had it polluting my relationships. I had it in my social circle. It was everywhere… slowing killing me…
The moment I realized the correlation between these two, along with my recent infant practice of enforcing boundaries, a world of weight lifted off me. I needed to understand exactly how and why though… what is this new revelation trying to teach me?
We’re just coming out of Winter. The growing of buds align streets. Excessive chirping serenades early risers. Flowers are reaching for the sun, in all their amazing glory.
Like many, I am working through the end of seasonal depression. It’s not a powerfully controlling; but, it’s still here.
The thing is, my depression has been with me since 2002. In all these years, there’s been one factor contributing to my highest anxiety and lowest depression points: disrespect.
I’ve allowed passes for people who don’t deserve it. I’ve accepted it from parents; because, I was the introvert child. I had it polluting my relationships. I had it in my social circle. It was everywhere… slowing killing me…
The moment I realized the correlation between these two, along with my recent infant practice of enforcing boundaries, a world of weight lifted off me. I needed to understand exactly how and why though… what is this new revelation trying to teach me?
When I love myself, I am less likely to allow the disrespect. When I block out that disrespect, I am not hurt/negatively influenced by that which I can’t control. I took charge of who surrounds me.. what situations I find myself in… and that protects my mental health.
I was hesitant to post these blogs. Part of why I wrote is to share my testimony to encourage others… but, I’m tired of sharing so much of myself. Sometimes, I don’t feel blogging is making a difference anyway.
“ If I weren’t here anymore, would it make a difference? Would I be missed?”
I believe every single person alive and dead has asked him/her/them selves that question, at least once in his/her/their life.
I know I have… I know I am.. right now.
Typically, such a question is conjured by darkness and “unthinkable pain” of which one can’t escape. It’s often associated with individuals coping/struggling with mental health issues.
Depression, Anxiety, Schizophrenia, and Bipolar Disorder are only a FEW of the demons that destroy peace of minds. One can not have a conversation with ANY Veteran without the mention of PTSD.
There’s valid and understandable concerns that lead beautiful souls down this lonely road.
Today, frustration has me captured. I know not why I’m feeling such detachment. I suppose it’s in part, my credit cards are maxed.. which is my fault. It could be my lack of support on Facebook posts. Yes, I understand it’s just Facebook… but, occasionally a post requires a direct answer. It’s not hypothetical. It’s not in conclusion of… yet, I received no responses.
I think another part of my disparity, is M being gone so long. I can’t remember when he was last here. I know for certain it’s been long enough for me to now need that human contact. I want wrapped up. I want hugged. I need that physical connection. I don’t want it from just anyone. That’s “empty”… thus unfulfilling.
I’m thankful, though. I have taken time to know myself. I’ve taken time to look after my own heart… because no one else has… not until and not since M… In my difficulty, as I did today, I’ll spritz a bit of his “cologne” and instantly feel much closer to him.
It’s a coping mechanism that works for me. It brings me back to his smile and gorgeous brown eyes. It brings me back to the time when he tucked his cold hands between my legs, curled up against my chest, and fell asleep as I ran my fingers through his hair.
He’s the person that’s made the rest of this world seem manageable. He’s the consistent listening, trying, and understanding that I’ve always needed. He’s the man that doesn’t flirt with other women. He’s the man that has taught me, I can stand up for myself and tell him to go away… yet, he’ll come back.. I can trust that he will. That only makes me fall further in love with him.
Aside from M, maybe if I journal a bit more, I’ll write myself right out of this gloom. The weather is Sunny and warmer. It’s a perfect day for planting seeds. It’s a perfect day for spaghetti.
I’m feeling better… I’ll end here. I’ll write again, soon. I’ll include more of what’s happening. It’s not a big deal but maybe it’s worth reading in the future.
Take health education seriously! Learning the natural process of our mind, body, and connections teaches us to depend on ourselves for healing, and less on medication.
Forgive yourself for your mistakes. Breaking a boy’s heart at 15 isn’t the end of the world as they made it to sound. You were young, and unable to fully understand who you were as a person.
Save your energy for people who are worthy of it. Not every smile is a friend. Not every scorn is from an enemy. Not every Christian acts Christ-like.. And never will a “clique” understand how they project their unwelcome aura as obviously than an outsider.
Find a homeless shelter, food bank, or alike to spend some time giving back. Our stories have brought us to where we are, today. Absolutely NONE of us are ordained or appointed to judge. Likewise, none of us know all the unspoken truth about everyone we meet.
Love Yourself! When you take time to create a best version of you, you do what’s necessary to protect and nurture it.
Diversify your reality. If you grew up in a small town, move away for college. If you have an opportunity to study abroad, take it. Expanding your knowledge of customs, religions, practices, traditions, and lifestyle will only deepen your empathy and humble your appreciation for your gifts.
Listen to understand, rather than to respond. Communication is essential for the best, quickest, and most accurate process to results. It’s a lack of communication that is the easiest and most frequent roadblock in today’s society.
I love you. Though I feel I’ve never left you, I don’t think I’ve ever really been fair to you. Life was so confusing then. I’m so happy I understand so much more now. Thank you for sitting with me; and, I’ll always be proud of you.
I’m struggling right now. Toxicity and confusion are within my space of peace. I don’t know if it’s due to a person.. Or if it’s a poor combination of us both.
I know within the last four days, I accomplished something I put off for nearly a decade. I drove three hours down to see my biological family, and the three hours back. This was six plus hours in the matter of three days.
I’m angry this recent toxicity didn’t even recognize my accomplishment. I’m upset that the trauma, of which I had no part, is now being used to hurt me.
I don’t know. I don’t feel good about it. I’m just going to leave it alone.. Unpacking and housework should keep me occupied enough, for now.
Personally, this post feels half complete. The entirety of my emotions and thoughts are caught up in the fog. Feels crappy knowing I always want to publish wonderful content for you all.
So, thank you for stopping by. I appreciate you all.
With Love and Light,
Nova Namastè
My girls and I visiting my mom for the first time together.
This year has seen it’s share of some significant highs. They make me proud. They inspire me to keep pushing myself, striving to be just a little better than the year before.
Likewise, this year, I’ve experienced some unthinkable lows. I’m not sure how I’ve survived it, thus far.
In all the years that I’ve blamed my “parents” for neglecting me a childhood to build relational bonds, not once did I consider something.
To every single person of which you give a piece of yourself, eventually, there will be a great loss. Now, due to my hyperactive neurotransmitters, everything is felt in greater proportion. Another point I need to mention, when I say “ a piece of yourself.” I mean nothing less than genuinely invested authenticity.
It’s the authentic investment of myself into this person, that’s put me in a real struggle. I have NEVER been in this head space. I’ve never been in the grip of a whirlwind sickness like this, before.
This past 4 months has created emotions in my soul that scares me. The depth of sadness. The strength of my anger. The questioning of my worth and value. The consistent years of consistent tears, that just ended up voided.
I’m still working through it. I’m now, writing in a reflection journal. I’m dumping all my thoughts in the morning. I’m writing intentions, attempting to motivate myself to accomplish something. I’m taking deliberate steps to focus on better/happier things. I have to do this.. I am on an app that speaks specifically to aspects of my mental health.
Who knew the day I met you, you’d come to mean so much. Now I have to spend more time missing you; than the amount of time I’ve known you.
It’s not fair.
I know you’d shrug and say, “Life’s not fair.”
I cried for you today. I saw a picture; your precious face.. And I died again. I listen to songs and struggle to keep myself together.. for the measly two and a half or three minutes.. To reach the ending.
Oh love, I miss you so much. I know you’re here, though. I feel you in the warm gust of sudden afternoon breeze. I see you in the most glorious clouds. I see you in feathers and other ways.
God made my heart love you; no matter what we’ve been through. I think we both knew it. Something God has in store for me, kept me from you. Maybe it’s knowing your babies now could use a little female guidance. Obviously, I’d never take the place of their mom; but, I do cherish them all.. As if life has brought them to me.. To love.
As my tears flood my eyes, I miss you with every piece of I am. I’m so thankful to have met you, loved you, and now miss you. Lead me and watch over me.
Thank you so much for taking time to listen. This was created from my heart; and, I really needed to say it. I apologize for the moments when you couldn’t hear me so well. I’m working on improving.
Being in this community isn’t a choice. None of us would deliberately pick a life of social unacceptence and intimate rejection. Here’s a recent article published on KAIT8 News
Since the beginning of the pandemic, I’ve worried about our children. Their little brains don’t understand the chaos go this nonsense. They’re seeing their lives to from routine to upside down. Here’s an interesting article about this very subject.
The COVID-19 pandemic and the accompanying containment measures such as physical distancing and school closures led to major changes in children’s everyday lives. By means of a mixed-methods study, the “Tyrolean COVID-19 Children’s Study” investigated the effects of the pandemic and factors influenc …
I can’t begin to emphasize the value of this simple phrase. Every single relationship needs this in order to grow!
Unfortunately, so many of us don’t have it!! If you are anything like me, you’ve delt with this frustrating lack of acknowledgement.
What do I mean? How is acknowledgment involved in the confrontation process? I would express my thoughts; and, it would fall on deaf ears. They might have heard me…;but, they were not listening! Oh noooo!! Instead, they were formulating their version of what happened.. righteously, justifying how their behavior wasn’t wrong.. They were defensive and argumentitive. They’d interrupt me while I explained. They were doing everything but LISTENING TO me.
Is it their fault? YES…. HOWEVER, Here’s my thoughts! When one feels a need to defend him/herself, it’s due to behavior stemmed from ridicule as a child. They received little to no acknowledgement of their thoughts and opinions from the adults in their lives. They grew up without acceptance. They didn’t have conversations where they felt heard. They might not even understand that all of this is ” a thing”.. An important component to maturity and adulthood.
In other words; they behave in accordance to what they know: no conflict resolution skills are available; and, there’s no solutions anyway.
Sadly, the catastrophic sharp words, disrespect, and growing anger cycle continues as long as we let it.
Today, I’m going to try and brake that chain.
FIRST: Your feelings matter.
AND {here’s the tough part}the thoughts, ideas, and opinions of those in your life.. matter too. Regardless of how YOU feel about THEIRS, they are valid.. And they are real to them.You will never have the authority to say what or how they feel.
So what is the answer? Maybe give this a try.
The first step to reconciliation is actively listen.
Verbalize that you acknowledge and hear what he/she has said.
Repeat what you heard the other person say.
Then, decide on a resolution that works for the both of you.
You’d also be surprised with how quickly a situation diffuses once someone feels heard. Not only, will the situation “soften”; but also, it will use time for effectively. The omission of unnecessary gabber opens up space for understanding.
I can tell you, it took me a great deal of my adult life to feel comfortable with confrontation. I would always run (literally!!) from it… Every day is a chance to do better. Every second is a choice to be better.
Respect.. Communication.. Acknowledgement… Acceptance… These elements develope through healthy childhoods. They develop through practice. patience… And love…
So when someone tells you how they feel, listen, accept, and acknowledge it. It’s real to him or her. Respect that.. And try to find a solution so it doesn’t keep happening.
Just write it out… occasionally, I feel this way… and on a separate note, I’ve never felt this way before.
Ultimately, I’m alone. His insecurities got the best of him… He is too busy for dating… He needed to move, for his own health sake… He is too quick to judge.. Or hates me because I voted differently than he did.
There’s countless reasons… and I always end up alone.
The absence of a significant other only feels more challenging because I struggle to make and keep female close friends, too. It’s a truth about me that I’ve faced since middle school. I hate it… But, I’ve encountered way too many females who’s morals don’t align with mine.
So with one gender I can’t make friends, and the other proving to be in some other chapter in life, I’m waking up… With just myself.
My thoughts. My judgements. My choices and consequences.
Right now, I don’t think I like who I am. I feel I’m so messed. I hate my weight. I feel like a failure with my business. I rarely laugh and smile anymore. I feel I can’t find my true purpose and place in this world.
I want to log out. I want to delete it. I want to mute notifications… And ignore text messages. I don’t feel like giving of myself to anyone.. For any reason. Is that healthy? Probably not. It’s what I want though… To disappear into the wallpaper until my existence feels validated.
It’s not your job to validate me.. It’s mine. It’s not your job to bring me contentment and peace… It’s mine. Its no one’s responsibility to make this one life mean something.. and be anything … Besides mine. I just don’t have it right now.
So, I guess I’ll do this… Recoil into a space where I can just be… With all my vulnerability & imperfections… and know that I won’t be judged. I’ll operate in fog mode.. Until I don’t… Maybe life’s trying to transition me.. I don’t know.
I might post. I’m going to try. Transparency is super important. I can’t promise anything, though.
For all I know, this could be the result of poor sleep… Guh
Starlight Magnolia Stories 