“ If I weren’t here anymore, would it make a difference? Would I be missed?”
I believe every single person alive and dead has asked him/her/them selves that question, at least once in his/her/their life.
I know I have… I know I am.. right now.
Typically, such a question is conjured by darkness and “unthinkable pain” of which one can’t escape. It’s often associated with individuals coping/struggling with mental health issues.
Depression, Anxiety, Schizophrenia, and Bipolar Disorder are only a FEW of the demons that destroy peace of minds. One can not have a conversation with ANY Veteran without the mention of PTSD.
There’s valid and understandable concerns that lead beautiful souls down this lonely road.
Today, frustration has me captured. I know not why I’m feeling such detachment. I suppose it’s in part, my credit cards are maxed.. which is my fault. It could be my lack of support on Facebook posts. Yes, I understand it’s just Facebook… but, occasionally a post requires a direct answer. It’s not hypothetical. It’s not in conclusion of… yet, I received no responses.
I think another part of my disparity, is M being gone so long. I can’t remember when he was last here. I know for certain it’s been long enough for me to now need that human contact. I want wrapped up. I want hugged. I need that physical connection. I don’t want it from just anyone. That’s “empty”… thus unfulfilling.
I’m thankful, though. I have taken time to know myself. I’ve taken time to look after my own heart… because no one else has… not until and not since M… In my difficulty, as I did today, I’ll spritz a bit of his “cologne” and instantly feel much closer to him.
It’s a coping mechanism that works for me. It brings me back to his smile and gorgeous brown eyes. It brings me back to the time when he tucked his cold hands between my legs, curled up against my chest, and fell asleep as I ran my fingers through his hair.
He’s the person that’s made the rest of this world seem manageable. He’s the consistent listening, trying, and understanding that I’ve always needed. He’s the man that doesn’t flirt with other women. He’s the man that has taught me, I can stand up for myself and tell him to go away… yet, he’ll come back.. I can trust that he will. That only makes me fall further in love with him.
Aside from M, maybe if I journal a bit more, I’ll write myself right out of this gloom. The weather is Sunny and warmer. It’s a perfect day for planting seeds. It’s a perfect day for spaghetti.
I’m feeling better… I’ll end here. I’ll write again, soon. I’ll include more of what’s happening. It’s not a big deal but maybe it’s worth reading in the future.
I love you Baby Girl!
Brandy
Starlight Magnolia Stories 