Month: April 2023

I’ve been in this involuntary tranz ( I understand this is not the proper spelling for this word; however, I think it looks cool. I’m going to use it. May we continue?) lately.

Two weeks ago, I restarted professional therapy. Whew!! One 45 minute session accomplished so much. The con to attending therapy, is the drawn out session in my head, once I’ve left that professional setting. Questions, scenarios, playbacks, quotes verbatim murmured in my mind.

Some of them felt wonderful. I knew this self evaluation was going to be a huge part in my healing. I knew this therapist made a spot specifically for me, in her schedule. Our conversation flowed with a nice easy respect between therapist and client. She actually was familiar with the concept of Highly Sensitive. It was great.

When I left, that’s when the real stuff started. All the history that I told her in our brief time together, was there fresh in my face. As an HSP and INFJ, there’s no way to explain our pain other than literally reliving it, when we remember. It’s a first encounter.. again and again.

Having no desire to change course from revisiting the situations, refilling myself with the emotions, and evaluating what was actually true, I have had little time to blog. My stats as of the last couple days have been straight zeros. No visitors, views, nothing…

What have I been doing, then? Well… I was busy walking, and sorting through my previous relationships. I have been journaling about my own spouts of depression and body image issues. I’ve been working so hard at continuing being a great mom to my girls… while I cried at night.. because begging me is HARD.

……..

We’re just coming out of Winter. The growing of buds align streets. Excessive chirping serenades early risers. Flowers are reaching for the sun, in all their amazing glory.

Like many, I am working through the end of seasonal depression. It’s not a powerfully controlling; but, it’s still here.

The thing is, my depression has been with me since 2002. In all these years, there’s been one factor contributing to my highest anxiety and lowest depression points: disrespect.

I’ve allowed passes for people who don’t deserve it. I’ve accepted it from parents; because, I was the introvert child. I had it polluting my relationships. I had it in my social circle. It was everywhere… slowing killing me…

The moment I realized the correlation between these two, along with my recent infant practice of enforcing boundaries, a world of weight lifted off me. I needed to understand exactly how and why though… what is this new revelation trying to teach me?

….

READ PART II HERE

“ If I weren’t here anymore, would it make a difference? Would I be missed?”

I believe every single person alive and dead has asked him/her/them selves that question, at least once in his/her/their life.

I know I have… I know I am.. right now.

Typically, such a question is conjured by darkness and “unthinkable pain” of which one can’t escape. It’s often associated with individuals coping/struggling with mental health issues.

Depression, Anxiety, Schizophrenia, and Bipolar Disorder are only a FEW of the demons that destroy peace of minds. One can not have a conversation with ANY Veteran without the mention of PTSD.

There’s valid and understandable concerns that lead beautiful souls down this lonely road.

Today, frustration has me captured. I know not why I’m feeling such detachment. I suppose it’s in part, my credit cards are maxed.. which is my fault. It could be my lack of support on Facebook posts. Yes, I understand it’s just Facebook… but, occasionally a post requires a direct answer. It’s not hypothetical. It’s not in conclusion of… yet, I received no responses.

I think another part of my disparity, is M being gone so long. I can’t remember when he was last here. I know for certain it’s been long enough for me to now need that human contact. I want wrapped up. I want hugged. I need that physical connection. I don’t want it from just anyone. That’s “empty”… thus unfulfilling.

I’m thankful, though. I have taken time to know myself. I’ve taken time to look after my own heart… because no one else has… not until and not since M… In my difficulty, as I did today, I’ll spritz a bit of his “cologne” and instantly feel much closer to him.

It’s a coping mechanism that works for me. It brings me back to his smile and gorgeous brown eyes. It brings me back to the time when he tucked his cold hands between my legs, curled up against my chest, and fell asleep as I ran my fingers through his hair.

He’s the person that’s made the rest of this world seem manageable. He’s the consistent listening, trying, and understanding that I’ve always needed. He’s the man that doesn’t flirt with other women. He’s the man that has taught me, I can stand up for myself and tell him to go away… yet, he’ll come back.. I can trust that he will. That only makes me fall further in love with him.

Aside from M, maybe if I journal a bit more, I’ll write myself right out of this gloom. The weather is Sunny and warmer. It’s a perfect day for planting seeds. It’s a perfect day for spaghetti.

I’m feeling better… I’ll end here. I’ll write again, soon. I’ll include more of what’s happening. It’s not a big deal but maybe it’s worth reading in the future.

I love you Baby Girl!

Brandy