9 Days Before Christmas: I’m not Ok

I haven’t been..

I’ve done nothing today.

Didn’t attend my kids’ Christmas concert.

Didn’t pick up what I needed to at their school.

Slept for hours midday.

Avoided all my messages.

Cried.

Questioned my ability to keep friends, let alone makes them.

Fought against this idea that I’m too complicated to befriend.

Refuse to reach out to an individual who has brought on so much grief for me.

Guh. We’ll have days like this, right?

I suppose some of this is my empathetic nature.

I’ve always taken on the energy of others.

I’ve always felt so deeply…

And the news lately, has been significantly heavy.

That’s without mentioning how difficult it is to hear of

unaliving oneself since I’ve delt with it in my personal life.

It never gets easier.

The grief never strings any less.

The devastation isn’t ever less.

Yeah, so today wasn’t a good day.


— Nova