Just write it out… occasionally, I feel this way… and on a separate note, I’ve never felt this way before.
Ultimately, I’m alone. His insecurities got the best of him… He is too busy for dating… He needed to move, for his own health sake… He is too quick to judge.. Or hates me because I voted differently than he did.
There’s countless reasons… and I always end up alone.
The absence of a significant other only feels more challenging because I struggle to make and keep female close friends, too. It’s a truth about me that I’ve faced since middle school. I hate it… But, I’ve encountered way too many females who’s morals don’t align with mine.
So with one gender I can’t make friends, and the other proving to be in some other chapter in life, I’m waking up… With just myself.
My thoughts. My judgements. My choices and consequences.
Right now, I don’t think I like who I am. I feel I’m so messed. I hate my weight. I feel like a failure with my business. I rarely laugh and smile anymore. I feel I can’t find my true purpose and place in this world.
I want to log out. I want to delete it. I want to mute notifications… And ignore text messages. I don’t feel like giving of myself to anyone.. For any reason. Is that healthy? Probably not. It’s what I want though… To disappear into the wallpaper until my existence feels validated.
It’s not your job to validate me.. It’s mine. It’s not your job to bring me contentment and peace… It’s mine. Its no one’s responsibility to make this one life mean something.. and be anything … Besides mine. I just don’t have it right now.
So, I guess I’ll do this… Recoil into a space where I can just be… With all my vulnerability & imperfections… and know that I won’t be judged. I’ll operate in fog mode.. Until I don’t… Maybe life’s trying to transition me.. I don’t know.
I might post. I’m going to try. Transparency is super important. I can’t promise anything, though.
For all I know, this could be the result of poor sleep… Guh
Alright… I’m done.
Take care y’all!