Who am I? …. Have you ever asked yourself ? I’m curious to know how you responded. What did you think at the time? I wonder if, like me, you weren’t sure? Not entirely anyway.
In 2009, I started my discovery of who I am. I researched my health. I went to the doctor with the information and plan of action. I studied my personality test results. I researched about Highly Sensitive People. I wanted to believe I knew who I was. I wanted to believe I do know who I am.
That became me, what felt normal. I felt like I had a sense of self.. that I had worked through the crises and trauma of my childhood; and, I made it!
Roughly two months ago, something within me changed. I realized both of my two daughters were going to be school… 7 hours a day, 5 days a week… and my baby at her dad’s on the weekends.
That would follow 8.5 years of having AT LEAST one little child at home. It’s following, 24/7/365 days of attending to my kids. Picking up after them, bathing them, changing and dressing them, rocking and nursing, feeding and nurturing them. I literally made them my life.
Motherhood became “what I was good at”!
Before this chapter, I excelled in school.. I knew I was good at getting A’s! I enjoyed school. It seemed so much more simple than when I started in 2003. The difficult part of life was fairly over. I believed I could handle anything.
Ironically, though, at the same time, I wasn’t good at being “married”! Nope! I’ve been married twice and both were unhealthy codependency (not in a form of drugs!).
Was I good at being a friend? Hmmm. I was apart of a church. I was attending a fellowship group. I made attempts to create friendships in school. Everywhere I was, in every social settling, I wasn’t comfortable. I felt “literally felt the uncomfortable and awkward energy” in every one. That was without saying, members of the church would all congregate for some special reason or no reason.. and I would just so happen to find out, not be invited, whatever.
In a place that is suppose to be filled with a pure love, it was filled with favorites.. whispers.. facades of religion Jesus followers.. who only accepted a version of you.. or not at all.. because you are who you are…
When I came out as Bisexual, in 2009, I FINALLY felt comfortable in my own skin. I felt like I just threw opened the castle gates, for once in a long time. Anna from Frozen, best describes the freedom and joy in that moment.. when truth feels like it’s been achieved.
A divorce followed. A horrible broken heart followed that. Loss by the masses kept happening. Because I “chose the path” to sin? No! Because Truth should be hidden? No!
Because the world is comfortably complacent. In many world’s “Why fix what isn’t broken?”
So this leads me back to present time, kids start school.. And I FREAK OUT!!
Because I don’t know what else I’m good at! I have bad spells of anxiety because nights when my girls arent here, it’s literally too quiet sometimes. It’s so difficult to handle sometimes. I don’t know how to be or what to do with myself aside from mothering!
I suddenly feel all out of control.. Again! I feel uncomfortable and insecure. I feel such little confidence in my mental scenarios.
It’s a phase of transformation. It’s making me uncomfortable and doubtful.
I’ll be going through this for some time, I’m afraid. If anyone has any words of encouragement, I’d really appreciate it 💓
Thanks for listening!